Couples Therapy

Are you looking for more out of your relationship? Seemingly trivial things—like whose turn it is to take out the trash—might lead to heated arguments. Or maybe you disagree on a critical issue such as whether to get married, start a family, or move to a new city. Despite your repeated efforts to resolve your problems, your relationship is at an impasse.

Have you and your partner been neglecting your relationship? Professional obligations and personal responsibilities may have forced your relationship to the back burner. Whenever you’ve tried to address relationship issues, it’s only resulted in anger and hurt feelings. So you’ve shut down and drawn away from each other. Like ships in the night—you never slow down long enough to truly connect.

Do you feel alone in your relationship? A lack of communication, trust, or physical intimacy might make you wonder if the relationship is even worth the effort. You also worry that stirring up painful issues would only make things worse. So you hesitate to bring up the problems that have been eating at you, making you feel stuck.

There is a cultural delusion that you can live conflict-free and achieve your own personal “happily ever after” if you find “the one” you’re destined to spend your life with. Hollywood has seduced us into thinking this magical person will intuitively and effortlessly satisfy all of our needs. 

The relationships we observe in our daily lives sometimes seem to confirm this misconception. We see beautiful, happy-looking couples on social media, talk to them at social gatherings, and receive their wedding invitations and birth announcements. When our own relationships fail to measure up, we wonder what’s wrong with us.

The reality is that no couple is totally happy 100% of the time, and any fulfilling relationship takes work. Partners often approach relationships very differently and have conflicting needs, so there will always be conflict—even if it’s invisible to others. Most people don’t broadcast their relationship problems to the world. Some even put on a really good show of seeming happy in public, but their private lives reveal the truth: that no relationship is immune to skirmishes and struggles. 

Part of the reason relationships are so problematic is that most of us were never taught what a healthy relationship actually looks like or how to achieve it. Without realizing how we’re sabotaging ourselves, we make the same mistakes again and again (as does our partner). As a result, we end up feeling stuck in unfulfilling relationships and marriages. Only by learning more about ourselves and our partners can we begin to make positive changes.

Many romantic couples, both married and unmarried, have come to us for help resolving big issues. As couples therapists, we helped them identify relationship deal-breakers and navigate divisive issues. 

Addressing key issues is an essential part of therapy, but there are often a lot of strong emotions and resentment built up behind big topics. To avoid an adversarial environment, we won’t have you deep dive into significant issues during your first session. Instead, your therapist will encourage you to explore smaller, less consequential subjects first. That will allow you and your partner (and your therapist!) to learn more about each other without being triggered by hot-button issues. 

Even if your primary goal is to resolve a single, divisive issue, you’ll learn in therapy that most relationship problems are not as simple as they first seem. There are often a variety of underlying contributors and nuances worth exploring. By uncovering them, you can move away from black-and-white thinking and reveal potential compromises you might have previously overlooked.

Couples therapy can help you recognize assumptions and communication blunders that may be sabotaging your relationship. For example, you might assume your husband understands your needs, making you feel resentful when he fails to meet them. Meanwhile, he may be trying his best to please you in other ways, not realizing that your needs are much different than his. 

Learning about your differing needs, attachment styles, and love languages during marriage counseling can help you navigate conflicts more peaceably. As communication and understanding between you improve, you’ll find it easier to appreciate the effort your partner is already making. The therapeutic process will also make it easier for you to direct your relationship efforts where they will be most appreciated.

Couples therapy can prepare you and your partner for whatever life throws at you. Regardless of your personal differences or life challenges, your marriage or partnership can serve as a foundation for resilience. As your bond grows stronger, you may even realize that your relationship can survive situations and differences that previously seemed intolerable. 

On the other hand, you might ultimately decide to part ways. Even if therapy doesn’t save your relationship, it can help you make the difficult decision to separate with greater clarity. It can also teach you how to take some of the pain out of the uncoupling process.