A Simple Way To Avoid Arguments With Your Partner

As couples therapists, we often see this scenario: One partner brings up a problem, hoping to resolve it. The other partner interprets that as a personal attack, so they defend themselves. They downplay or dismiss their partner’s concerns, or they strike back with insults or criticism.

Over time, as this scenario repeatedly plays out, the partner who typically initiates these conversations ends up feeling invalidated and resentful. Meanwhile, the partner on the receiving end starts to feel increasingly underappreciated and frustrated with the constant “nagging.” Both know their relationship problems will eventually boil over, but they don’t know how to avoid arguments when discussing them.

If you’ve been arguing with your spouse or partner, this scenario probably sounds familiar. For healthier communication, we encourage you to try a simple strategy that has worked for many of our patients: the weekly relationship check-in.

The weekly couples’ check-in: why and how to do it

Conversations are less likely to turn into arguments when both partners are calm. That’s why we encourage people arguing with a spouse or partner to avoid discussing relationship concerns in the heat of the moment. Instead, we recommend saving these discussions for a single, regularly occurring meeting. This meeting can occur at any regular interval, but most couples commit to weekly.

The weekly relationship check-in is like a strategic planning session for your relationship. It is motivated by your mutual desire to solve relationship problems and grow closer. It has an undercurrent of curiosity rather than animosity because it happens outside the immediate context of whatever is being discussed.

A weekly relationship check-in offers many benefits. It gives the person with the grievance time to explore their feelings and put things into perspective. They no longer feel compelled to drop everything to fix problems right away because they know they’ll have a chance later. In the meantime, their partner can rest easy knowing they only have to discuss big relationship stuff once a week. They are no longer blindsided by surprise attacks or worn down by frequent criticisms.

Are you curious about how a weekly check-in could work for you? Here’s how to implement it in your own marriage or partnership.

Schedule a regular check-in time.

Choose a day and time when neither of you is likely to be stressed or tired. Designate a short amount of time—perhaps fifteen or thirty minutes—and put it on your calendar as a recurring appointment. Plan to honor it. If one of you occasionally can’t make it, that person must make an effort to reschedule.

Write down things you’d like to talk about as they happen.

Some things may need to be addressed right away, but most probably don’t.

If you notice something your partner says, does, or doesn’t do that creates a problem for you, first take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or however you feel. Then jot it down to discuss later.

Go about your day as planned.

The beauty of the weekly check-in is that you don’t have to ruin an otherwise peaceful evening arguing with your spouse. Nor do you have to swallow your grievance forever since you know you’ll get a chance to discuss it later. You can go about your day and even still show your partner affection if you want to. Remember: You still love them even though you probably don’t love what they did.

On the other hand, perhaps your partner is the one with the grievance. If you sense that either of you isn’t in the right state of mind to talk right now, calmly request some space and ask to speak later during your weekly check-in.

Process what happened.

Give yourself time to digest what happened and how you feel about it. Take your differing backgrounds, attachment styles, and love languages into account to put things into perspective. This cool-down time will make it less likely you’ll overreact—or underreact—when you discuss it later.

Talk to your partner at the designated time.

Before your talk, remember that your partner probably has good intentions and is trying their best. Remind yourself how much you love them. Then calmly bring up the issue you wrote down and explore how you might navigate it together. Let your partner know how it affected you and ask for their help. Explore why the problem occurred, why you reacted the way you did, and how it might be prevented in the future. Then invite your partner to share their relationship concerns with you.

Keep an open mind.

Your partner has their reasons for doing things the way they do. They may also offer solutions or compromises that never occurred to you. That’s why it’s essential to listen openly to whatever they say and try to empathize—or at least understand. Validate what they’re saying (“That makes sense,” or “I see what you mean”) to let them know it is safe to communicate. Ideally, they will do the same for you.

Apply what you learned.

These conversations might feel awkward at first if you’ve had a lot of poor communication in your relationship in the past. Over time, it will get easier as you cultivate more security in your emotional bond and learn more about each other.

Some couples have no idea how to avoid arguments since they don’t know what healthy communication looks like. They’re initially reluctant to try the weekly relationship check-in, but once they experience its benefits—including fewer arguments and more intimacy—it becomes one of their favorite tools.

We hope you’ll give this strategy a try. If you want to stop arguing with your spouse or partner, we encourage you to join one of our couples’ counselors for a free consult. They will ask you about your relationship goals and answer any questions you may have about our online couples’ therapy service, which is available to individuals in New York City and throughout the state.