Is It Okay To Date Older/Younger Men? A Therapist Weighs In

If there’s a new man in your life, you may be wondering whether he’s “the one”—or whether you’ll just end up getting hurt. You might also wonder whether friends and family will like him and whether he can help you accomplish your relationship goals.

Questions and doubts are part of any new relationship, but they’re particularly common in those with significant age gaps. If you’re developing feelings for a younger man, you may be asking yourself questions like, “Why do I attract younger men?” or “Is it okay to date younger men?” or “Can a relationship with a younger man last?”

On the other hand, maybe you’re falling for a man who’s significantly older than you. If so, you may face similar questions: “Why do I attract older men?” or “What will my friends/family think?” or even “Does this mean I have daddy issues?”

As relationship therapists, we support people who are searching for answers to questions like these. There’s no single answer that’s true for everyone since we all have unique backgrounds and relationship goals. To figure out what’s true for you, you’ll need to confront your doubts and revisit your values.

Here are a few things you should consider as you enter an age-gap relationship:

Where the attraction is coming from

A lot of people who are dating outside their age group wonder, “Why do I attract older/younger men?” but that’s not the most helpful question. It might be more illuminating to ask yourself, regardless of age, “Why am I attracted to this person? Do they remind me of anyone from my past? How did that relationship work out?”

The critical question is whether this person’s personality and values are a good match for you. Maybe you’re attracted to men who are energetic and outgoing, or perhaps you prefer partners who are more mature and contemplative. Men of every age fall into these categories, so we would suggest that age isn’t necessarily the issue.

As relationship therapists, we’ve seen plenty of people rush into a new relationship because they initially feel chemistry or a “spark.” Don’t make this mistake. If you are feeling a “spark,” maybe it means you’ve found a great match. Or perhaps it’s a sign that this way of relating to another person is somehow familiar to you. If the latter—and if you have a history of unhealthy relationships—it may be a sign to proceed with caution. The only way to find out for sure is to slow down, get to know the person and be honest with yourself about what you see.

Ultimately, chronological age can be insignificant in terms of how relational issues from the past show up. So we recommend you try to focus less on a potential partner’s age and more on whether you can relate to each other in a healthy way. We also recommend you consider. . .

What it is about other people’s judgments that worry you

Age-gap relationships are somewhat taboo, so it’s understandable if you’re worried about what other people might think. If you’re apprehensive about telling friends or family about your new relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself why.

Are you worried about creating conflict? Maybe you don’t have strong boundaries with your mother, for example, and you’re concerned about how she might try to influence you. Or perhaps you’re not sure how your friends or colleagues would react to meeting your new man. If you struggle to communicate your values and boundaries to the people in your life, that’s something you should work on independently from your relationship.

On the other hand, it could be that you’re projecting your own doubts and judgments onto others. This is actually a very common (and subconscious) way that people deal with their fears. To get clearer on where your doubt is coming from, ask yourself whether the assumptions you’re making about other people’s responses are actually more about your internal fears.

For example, maybe you’ve been assuming that if you tell your parents about your new, younger boyfriend, they would question his devotion to you. You picture them saying things like, “I know you want children soon. Are you sure he wants that?” or asking questions like, “How can a relationship with a younger man last? What will happen when you get even older?”

If the thought of these questions is really upsetting to you, why is that? Could it be that you yourself are concerned about these things? By imagining how other people might react, you can learn a lot about yourself. Confronting any personal doubts is the first step to figuring out how to respond to any external criticism you might face.

Another thing we recommend you do early in the relationship is to consider. . .

How this person fits in with your relationship goals

It’s essential to consider your partner’s goals heading into any relationship, including an age-gap relationship. You don’t necessarily need to spend your first date grilling a guy on whether, for example, he’d be willing to marry you. But you should definitely try to get a feel for his relationship goals in general before the two of you get too serious.

How do his goals match—or conflict—with your own? If you’re unsure, it could help to reevaluate what values/goals are important to you in a relationship and just how essential each of those things is. Some might be dealbreakers, but others you might be willing to compromise on.

Consider whether any of your relationship goals might be hindered by your new partner’s age, such as their interest in having children. Just remember to get to know them first before making assumptions about their relationship goals based on age. If you pay close attention to their words and actions, you’ll find out what they want and where they stand quickly enough.

New relationships can create a lot of emotion and confusion, so many people benefit from professional support. If you’d like help as you explore your hopes and doubts, consider working with us. One of our experienced relationship therapists can help you figure out how to date someone older or younger than you and whether that is relationship is working well for you, all while honoring your relationship goals. Schedule a free consult to learn about our online relationship therapy service. We work with individuals in New York City and throughout the state via our secure, web-based platform.

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