Attachment Styles and How They Affect Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you approach relationships differently than other people do? It’s probably because of your attachment style.

Your attachment style is primarily influenced by your past experiences and it helps to determine your expectations and preferences in adult relationships. As attachment therapists at our New York City online therapy practice, we get a lot of questions about attachment theory and how attachment styles affect romantic relationships. In this guide, we’ll explain the following:

• Attachment theory basics

• Secure vs. insecure attachment styles

• Three common insecure attachment styles in adults

• How attachment styles affect relationships

• How to identify and work with your attachment style

Attachment theory basics

British psychologist John Bowlby pioneered attachment theory in the 1950s. According to Bowlby and his colleagues, infants form attachments with their parents to meet their physical and psychological needs. The quality and reliability of a child’s early attachment style set the stage for all of their future. This includes influences on their relationships, preferences, expectations, and assumptions.

Parenting styles have a significant influence on the development of attachment styles. Some children are encouraged to express their needs and emotions, while others are taught to suppress them. Further, some households are places of uncertainty, stress, and fear, while others are safe havens. And while some parents model healthy boundaries and conflict resolution, others do not. In some households, children’s needs are reliably attended to. And in others, children sometimes have to fend for themselves.

How do attachment styles develop?

Because of their relationship to parenting styles, attachment styles can be passed from one generation to the next. For example, a father who was forced to conceal his feelings during childhood will likely discourage his own son from expressing emotions. Similarly, a mother who doesn’t have any boundaries for herself will be unable to teach her daughter healthy boundary-setting.

Many parents are prevented from closely and consistently attending to their children due to factors outside of their control. For example, many parents must work outside the home when their children are young for financial reasons. A caregiver’s mental health or preoccupation with other stressors can also get in the way of attentive caregiving.

You may not remember much about your early childhood, but it probably shaped your current approach to relationships. As you matured, your adolescent and adult relationships continued to shape your attachment style, challenging it in some cases and reinforcing it in others.

Secure vs. insecure attachment styles

Psychologists and attachment therapists lump all attachment styles into two main categories: secure attachment and insecure attachment.

Secure attachment is considered the “healthiest” type. People with secure attachment aren’t afraid of commitment or emotional closeness. They prefer to be in a committed relationship, but at the same time, they still feel like a complete person even when they are single. Additionally, they recognize that some relationships aren’t worth pursuing.

What does secure attachment look like?

A major indicator of secure attachment in adults is that they are comfortable relying on others without being overly dependent. Further, they feel confident that when they need their partner for something, they can typically depend on them. At the same time, they don’t fall apart when their partner legitimately can’t be there for them.

A securely attached person doesn’t expect their partner to be their “everything” or meet every one of their needs. Rejection and loneliness still hurt for securely attached people, but they don’t obsess over whether or not others accept them. They are willing to set healthy relationship boundaries even when it means disappointing their partner or other loved ones.

So, are securely attached people perfect?

No, they are certainly not perfect! In fact, securely attached people are just as aware of their strengths as they are their weaknesses. Again, they don’t expect perfection in a partner, but at the same time, they are willing to move on if someone isn’t meeting their needs. Here are a few more signs of secure attachment in adults.

If you have a secure attachment style, you likely either had 100% perfect parents (who were impeccably attuned to your needs all the time), or you developed it through deep, introspective work. Some psychologists theorize that secure attachment is the most common style, but in our experience, it is far more common to recognize elements of insecure attachment in ourselves. Learn more about this misconception and other attachment style myths.

If you can’t fully relate to our description of secure attachment, you’re certainly not alone. As relationship and attachment therapists, we’ve worked with hundreds of people who are endeavoring to move toward secure attachment.

Three common insecure attachment styles in adults

A person’s unique life experiences determine how they relate to others. So, no two people approach relationships in precisely the same way. However, despite individual differences, many people end up with the same relationship tendencies if they experienced similar difficulties during childhood.

Through years of research and observation, psychologists have identified common attachment styles. Most people lean toward insecure attachment, so the three most common attachment styles fall into this category. Even if your childhood was primarily peaceful and secure with loving parents, you might have developed some relationship dynamics characteristic of one of the following (insecure) attachment styles: anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized.

The anxious/ambivalent attachment style

If you received inconsistent caretaking as a child, you likely developed an anxious/ambivalent attachment style. Your primary caretaker was there for you sometimes, but not always. At times, they may have misunderstood your needs or lacked empathy for you. As a result, you learned that relationships are not always a reliable source of support.

As an adult with an anxious attachment style, you crave your partner’s attention and reassurance. When your partner fails to support you, you may not be surprised, but you are certainly disappointed. You wish for a more attentive partner but doubt you could find one, so you are reluctant to let go of the relationship you already have.

You resent your partner’s unwillingness to meet all of your needs. When they’re not there for you, you obsess over what that says about you or your relationship. You get nervous or jealous when your partner is away from you. When they behave in unexpected ways, you often interpret it as a personal insult. As such, you live in constant fear of abandonment/rejection. Your partner’s assertions that you are “clingy” or “too needy” only make you feel worse and may even tend to exacerbate your efforts to receive reassurance.

If you lean toward the anxious attachment style, you may focus on other people’s needs without considering your own. This is a habit formed with a personal cost in an attempt to preserve relationships. You worry that if you prioritize your own needs, people will not love/accept you. This tendency toward people-pleasing might also show up in your professional life.

The avoidant attachment style

If you were neglected or abandoned by a caregiver, you might have developed an avoidant attachment style. Perhaps your physical needs weren’t adequately met, or your emotional needs were minimized, dismissed, or ignored. Even if your caretaker wanted to take better care of you, they might have been unable to for some reason.

At some point, some deep down, part of you realized that your needs would not be met by anyone but yourself. You stopped expecting that your caregiver would provide what you needed, so you stopped asking for help and attention. Thus, you were forced to become self-sufficient and fend for yourself most of the time. Your belief in the merits of independence persisted into adulthood, causing you to view close relationships as unnecessary or even burdensome.

As an adult with an avoidant attachment style, you don’t understand why people are so obsessed with commitment. You don’t expect anything from anyone, and you wish other people could be as independent as you are. There’s a part of you that enjoys being in a relationship, but you feel cornered anytime your partner wants to talk about where you stand as a couple.

You might feel overwhelmed or suffocated when other people try to get close to you. Once a relationship starts to get too serious, you subconsciously look for excuses to push that person away. For example, you might fixate on one of their flaws, even if it is relatively small. When someone demands that you open up, you stonewall, dismiss, and disengage. During disagreements, your partner may have accused you of being “cold,” “detached,” or “emotionally unavailable.”

You sometimes think about how much easier life would be if you weren’t in a relationship. You were never sure you really wanted a serious relationship anyway. And you can’t understand why some people seem to want to be or want you to be dependent.

The disorganized attachment style

You might have developed a disorganized attachment style if you were afraid of your primary caretaker(s). In some way or another, they hurt you (either physically or emotionally), and you learned that relationships are dangerous. At the same time, you were just a small child who needed help to survive. You had no choice but to depend on them.

As an adult with disorganized attachment, you may find yourself in a paradoxical situation when dating: you crave relationships while simultaneously fearing them. You inherently distrust other people—even people who have treated you well so far. Physical proximity might cause you to panic and withdraw. Alternately, you might seek casual sexual encounters to fulfill your craving for intimacy without making yourself emotionally vulnerable.

In your adult relationships, you might bounce back and forth between neediness and avoidance. You might do whatever you can to attract your partner when you’re feeling lonely, but once they get too close, you panic and push them away. Your partner may be frustrated by your distrust and confused about where the two of you stand. You likely feel confused about the relationship, as well.

If healthy boundaries weren’t encouraged or modeled in your childhood household, you might never have felt safe enough to explore your identity. As a result, you may be unsure of what you want out of your adult relationships.

How attachment styles affect relationships

You would think that people would gravitate toward romantic partners who are most likely to meet their needs. But humans are much more complicated than that. We don’t always know what we need, or why, or how to get it. And we often fail to recognize how we can unintentionally sabotage ourselves and our relationships.

Attachment styles are subconscious by nature. Unless you’ve done the deep introspective work of exploring your unique attachment style, you may be running on relationship autopilot. You may even be gravitating toward people and situations that are more likely to hurt you without even realizing it.

For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may be accustomed to feeling misunderstood. When you start dating someone who doesn’t understand your needs, you’re not surprised. No one has ever understood you before, so why would this relationship be any different? You don’t see the red flags, and it is oddly comforting to experience the same thing you’ve experienced before. So you end up staying with a partner who is unlikely to meet your needs.

Your attachment style also affects how you behave after you’ve started dating someone. Imagine that you are anxiously attached to someone with an avoidant attachment style. This is a common scenario that psychologists refer to as the “pursuer-distancer” relationship. In an attempt to get your avoidant partner’s attention, you might resort to the same strategies you did in childhood. You might try to impress them with your accomplishments, offer favors, or give gifts. If that doesn’t work, you might complain, start fights, or throw childish tantrums.

Your partner’s attachment style, in turn, affects how they interact with you. If your partner never learned the benefits of close relationships as a child, they will likely resist getting too close to you. After all, they think, what’s the use in investing in a relationship that won’t give anything back? The more you insist, the more they will put up defenses and keep you at a distance. As you can imagine, this situation creates a lot of pain for both partners.

You may be wondering… “What is my attachment style?”

Until you understand your attachment style and how it affects you, you’ll be much more likely to take relationship conflicts personally. For example, you might assume that you are unworthy or unlovable if you don’t know you’re the pursuer in a pursuer-distancer relationship. If you want to deescalate and depersonalize relationship conflicts, learning about attachment styles is the first step.

It can be beneficial to understand where your partner is coming from, but we encourage you to first focus on your own attachment style. Exploring the lens through which you view relationship issues will help you interpret them much more accurately. It also makes sense to focus on the only part of the relationship you truly have any control over: your own thoughts and behaviors.

Gain insight to your attachment style

As you explore your past experiences and inner world, it’s important to remember that attachment styles aren’t character flaws. Your attachment style isn’t who you are. It’s a coping mechanism you learned when you were young to help you navigate a less-than-perfect childhood. Just as an attachment style can be learned, it can also be shaped, trained, and transformed.

Are you ready to learn more about yourself? Start by revisiting the three common attachment styles described above. If any of the descriptions sound like you, you can verify your attachment type through observation and reflection.

How do you feel when someone tries to get closer to you or tries to pull away? Do you always react the same way? What assumptions drive your actions, and how might they connect to your early life experiences?

If you can’t remember much about your early childhood, you may be able to get clues by observing your parents, seeing how they interact and learning about how they were raised. Did one or both of them experience neglect, abandonment, or abuse at some point? Since attachment styles can be linked to transgenerational experiences, this is often worth investigating.

Having read about common attachment styles in adults, perhaps you’re confident that you’ve identified yours, and you’re wondering how to use that information to improve your relationships. On the other hand, maybe you’re not sure which attachment style best describes you. In either case, we recommend connecting with an experienced attachment therapist who can connect the dots between where you are now and where you want to be.

Get Started with Attachment Therapy in New York City

Our experienced therapists understand how attachment styles show up in relationships and they can help you move toward a more secure style. If you’re searching for a partner, attachment therapy at our New York City psychotherapy practice can help you select one who is less likely to trigger painful emotions. If you’re already in a relationship, attachment therapy can help you move forward into a different, more satisfying type of relationship.

Understanding the differences between opposing relationship styles can help you and your partner stop blaming each other and instead treat each other with greater compassion. Even if your attachment style never fully meshes with your partner’s, you’ll be less likely to take conflicts personally and more likely to have calm, productive conversations.

As relationship and attachment specialists, we understand how attachment styles affect relationships, even to the point of sabotaging high-potential partnerships. If you want to break through old relationship patterns and create more meaningful connections, contact us for a free consultation.

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