Contributed By: Suyana Handman

Skeptic about your partner’s true feelings? In the early stages of a relationship, it can be difficult to gauge how your partner is feeling, which often leads to doubts about their affection. As relationship therapists, we hear the question “Does my boyfriend/girlfriend truly love me?” frequently, and we’re here to help you get to the bottom of what’s causing your doubts.

Here are four reasons you might doubt your partner’s love:

You have different love languages

What makes you feel loved in a relationship? Is it acts of service? Or words of affirmation? Maybe it’s gifts, or tokens of affection. Thinking about how you define a healthy relationship is the first step towards understanding how you communicate love and expect it to be communicated back. If your partner does not communicate their love in ways you interpret as affectionate, your needs may not be met - even if they truly love you.

If your love language is gift-giving, for example, and your partner never gives you anything, you might think they don’t care. Meanwhile, they may be bending over backward to offer words of affirmation as often as they can. They’re speaking a different love language, causing you to miss the message.

2. One of you has an avoidant attachment style

Was your partner abandoned or neglected growing up? Unless their physical and emotional needs were consistently met, they might have developed an avoidant attachment style. In other words, their upbringing caused them to view relationships as unnecessary or burdensome. As a result, they subconsciously push away anyone who gets too close.

Alternatively, your own avoidant attachment may be causing your relationship doubts. As far-fetched as this may sound, you could be subconsciously sabotaging the relationship and projecting your avoidant feelings onto your partner.

It’s unlikely that you both have avoidant attachment styles, however. People with avoidant attachment tend to attract others with anxious attachment styles, fueling a vicious cycle of push and pull between partners. Speaking of which, it’s possible that. . .

3. You have an anxious attachment style

Were your caregivers there for you as a child, but only sometimes? If so, you might have come to appreciate and crave the support that close relationships provide while simultaneously fearing the loss of that support.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might seek frequent reassurance from your partner. You might also doubt their affection, even if it’s sincere. This dynamic can push your partner away and cause you to question the relationship, even if you are otherwise a good match.

4. They’re not putting in any effort

Healthy communication is essential to any close relationship. If your partner is never willing to have serious conversations and often dismisses your feelings, of course you’ll question their commitment and true feelings. In this case, consider whether your partner just needs some encouragement and patience. They may not know how to communicate well or show affection, but they could be willing to learn in order to strengthen the relationship. On the other hand, they might not be that interested in you.

Resolve your relationship doubts with therapy

You’ll continue to ask yourself “Does my partner love me?” until you take the time to explore the reasons behind your doubts. Fortunately, getting to know yourself better can help you recognize high-potential relationships and teach you how to develop a relationship in which you feel validated and loved.

Our relationship therapists work with individuals and couples in NYC and throughout the state. We offer couples therapy and individual relationship therapy for dating.

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