Is Setting Boundaries Selfish? Or Is It Healthy?
This blog post—the first in a two-part series—provides an introduction to boundary-setting. If you’re ready for more tips on how to set boundaries, read Part 2: How To Set Boundaries: Steps And Examples
This week, we’re addressing a common question: “Is setting boundaries selfish?” It’s an important topic since many people feel too guilty to set personal boundaries firmly and consistently. Before we dive into that, though, let’s define “boundaries” for anyone new to the concept.
What are boundaries and why are they important?
Boundaries are the structures we set up for ourselves to ensure our needs are met in the context of our relationships and responsibilities. They are a framework for how we want to exist in the world. Healthy boundaries protect us from people and situations that intrude upon our needs and values. Boundaries are essential in romantic relationships, but setting boundaries at work, with parents, and with friends is also important.
People without boundaries give so much of their time, energy, and other resources to the world that they leave nothing for themselves. This imbalance can cause them to become anxious, overwhelmed, resentful, and mentally burned out. It can also compromise their physical health by getting in the way of basic self-care.
Why are boundaries so hard to set?
Despite how important boundaries are, few people set and maintain them consistently. Even those who do, often do so reluctantly. Why is that?
Culturally, there is a lot of pressure to be selfless. Hard work and sacrifice are praised by many influential people, from executives of Fortune 500 companies to famous religious leaders. Selflessness is also modeled in domestic contexts, where one parent (often mom) focuses all of her attention on her family’s health and well-being—while completely neglecting her own.
If the concept of boundaries is new to you, you may not have had childhood role models who demonstrated what healthy boundaries look like. You may be lacking boundaries in some areas of your own life, perhaps without realizing it. Merely thinking about setting personal boundaries might make you feel uncertain, selfish, and guilty.
Boundary-setting will be tough for you if you are a people-pleaser or if you struggle with insecurity. Maybe your past attempts to say “no” when someone else wanted you to say “yes” ended badly. Best-case scenario, the person you said “no” to was mildly displeased. Worst case, they called you selfish and uncaring—and you wondered if they were right.
Are boundaries selfish? Or are they healthy?
Setting personal boundaries is rarely easy, but it’s perfectly healthy to attend to “self” sometimes. Generosity and compassion are lovely qualities, but healthy relationships require balance. In a healthy, balanced relationship, no one gets all their needs met all of the time, and no one is taken advantage of. Boundaries help people coexist in a way that ensures each person takes up equivalent space in the relationship.
If you don’t want to resent your friend, parent, partner, or boss, setting boundaries in relationships is essential. Setting personal limits can help you get closer to someone by opening up about how you want to be treated. Boundaries also acknowledge that you can’t be everything to everyone. If you can’t meet a certain need for someone, or they can’t meet a need of yours, it’s best to communicate that.
Do you need healthier boundaries?
If you’ve been feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or overworked, you may need better boundaries. Feelings of bitterness and resentment can also signal that your boundaries aren’t as solid or as comprehensive as they need to be.
Look at the various areas of your life and be honest with yourself: Do you often say “yes” when you’d much rather say “no”? Is it easy for you to come up with reasons why you “have to” do things you don’t want to do? If your reasons have anything to do with pleasing others, consider whether you can truly make everyone happy and still take care of yourself. Setting boundaries in relationships with your loved ones is essential to your own self-care and maintaining relationships with everonyone around you.
You might have good boundaries in some areas but not others. For example, you might have strong boundaries with your partner (“I never take personal calls at work”) but weak professional boundaries (working until 11 p.m. and constantly checking email). Or it might be the opposite: you clock out right at 5:00 p.m., but when you come home at night, you always defer to your partner’s needs (or your perception of their needs) on anything from what to have for dinner to what time to go to bed.
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In a future post, we’ll offer examples of what healthy boundaries look like and walk you through the process of setting them. Keep an eye on our blog for our next boundary-setting post. For personalized help, consider working with one of our experienced therapists using online therapy. We connect with individuals in New York City and throughout the state via our secure online therapy platform. Contact us today to learn more about our psychotherapy services or to schedule a free consultation call.
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