How To Improve Your Listening Skills In A Relationship

Do you ever wonder if maybe you’re not listening well enough to your partner? Maybe your mind wanders, or you think about how you’re going to respond. On the other hand, maybe you think you’re a great listener, but your partner says they’re not feeling heard in the relationship. In either case, you may be wondering how to improve your listening skills.

It’s a worthy question. As couples’ therapists, we know that the absence of active listening in relationships causes many problems. One big issue with not listening is how we mentally fill in the blanks when we don’t have enough real information. People who lack effective listening skills in their relationships act based on negative assumptions, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

The other problem with not actively listening to your partner is how it makes them feel. If your partner is not feeling heard in the relationship, they might assume you just don’t care—even if you do. By listening in a way your partner can appreciate, you help them feel valued and respected.

Why are listening skills so often lacking in relationships?

There are many reasons. One is that we are all so busy trying to be “super people” that we’re running in a million different directions internally. It’s not easy to truly hear what your partner is saying when you’re simultaneously contemplating what your boss said to you earlier, why the neighbor’s dog is barking, and how long you should cook the chicken dinner.

In couples’ therapy, we often see…

We also have shortened attention spans thanks to our fast-moving, instant-gratification culture. You can get so many things so quickly that we’re not accustomed to sitting around and waiting. So, when your partner is trying to talk to you, it’s hard to tolerate the impulse to move on to something new.

It's especially difficult to listen when you’re in the middle of a heated argument. When you feel defensive or offended, you don’t even want to hear what the other person has to say. You’re not truly listening—you’re arranging your response and waiting for your own turn to speak.

How to improve listening skills in your relationship: tips from a couples’ therapist!

The first step is to recognize just how important it is to learn effective listening skills in romantic relationships. If you’re tired of dealing with misunderstandings and hurt feelings, learning more effective listening skills should be a priority in your relationships. By reading this blog post, you’re already on the right track.

We typically give the following tips to patients who are committed to learning how to improve their listening skills in a relationship:

Reduce distractions to focus on your partner

When you’re having a conversation, set aside your phone and any other distractions—especially if it’s a serious discussion. If there’s loud music playing, maybe turn it off. Set a timer for the roast you just put into the oven. If there’s something in your head you don’t want to forget, ask your partner to wait a moment while you jot it down. Then sit quietly and try to focus on what they’re saying.

Provide feedback to show you are listening

Visibly or audibly react in some way. It doesn’t take much to show you’re listening. For example, you could make eye contact, nod your head, or occasionally say, “mmm-hmm.” Even better, you could verbalize your reaction (“I can’t believe she did that!”) or ask a follow-up question (“Did she ever apologize?”) to show you’re listening.

It’s essential to provide this feedback. If you don’t, your partner might complain about not feeling heard in the relationship—even if you sincerely listen to every word they say. If you’re neurodivergent, you might struggle with the feedback part of listening. For example, eye contact may be uncomfortable for you, or you might listen best when you’re doodling or pacing. If that’s the case, we recommend you have a conversation with your partner so you can find a way to provide feedback that works for both of you. One option would be to invite your partner to feel free to ask you for a summary of what they’ve said if they’re worried you’re not listening to them.

Ask your partner for clarification

Another essential element of effective listening is avoiding misunderstandings. If you’re unsure about the meaning of your partner’s words, ask for clarification—especially if what they said seemed unkind. For example, imagine you’ve just told your husband you won’t have time to bake cupcakes for your child’s bake sale. He replies, “Jane brought some great-looking ones last time.”

In your head, you interpret your husband’s words to mean that if Jane can bake homemade cupcakes, you should be able to, too. Feeling insulted, you retort, “Maybe if you helped more around the house, I’d have time for baking!” As you can imagine, the conversation would go downhill from there.

A better option would be to ask for clarification: “Why do you mention Jane’s cupcakes?” To which your husband might reply, “They looked like they came from a bakery. Maybe you could ask her where she got them.” It turns out your husband wasn’t insulting you but trying to provide a helpful suggestion! Voila—misunderstanding averted.

Add structure to your relationship communication

It’s hard to practice effective listening skills when emotions are running high. Sometimes it’s helpful to try a more formalized approach to communication.

One of our favorite communication tools is the weekly relationship check-in. A regular check-in gives you an opportunity to set aside distractions and focus on the relationship. During these check-ins, one person speaks then the other person then paraphrases what was said. Then you switch. Repeat this process until you both feel heard and understood. (Learn more about the weekly check-in and how it can help you avoid arguments with your partner.)

Another way to add structure to conversations is to pass an object between you. It could be a stick, a pillow, or whatever. Whoever is holding it may speak; the other person must listen. It sounds silly, but it does bring a layer of intentionality to the practice of listening. It can also provide levity.

Refocus as needed, as a couple

It’s impossible to be perfectly attentive all the time. If you lose focus for a second, don’t fret. Just let your partner know and invite them to continue speaking: “Sorry, I zoned out for a minute there. You were saying something about our plans for this weekend?”

You may need to refocus frequently if you have ADHD or are otherwise neurodivergent, but there’s nothing wrong with that! Even the most skilled communicators sometimes drift off. When it happens to you, just shift your focus back to the conversation and pick up where you left off. No harm done.

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