Image of a couple in the kitchen drinking coffee. NYC 10003

Virtual marriage is trending in New York City. Lots of people are getting married online, and it’s easy to see why. Virtual ceremonies are far cheaper and easier to plan, and they eliminate a lot of drama.

As much as we love the idea, virtual marriage isn’t for everyone. There are some significant downsides, and you don’t want to look back someday and regret your choice. We recommend you and your partner take a close look at the pros and cons before planning your own virtual wedding:

Pros of Virtual Marriage in NYC

It’s way easier to plan

Planning a virtual ceremony is an absolute breeze compared to an in-person wedding. You don’t have to search for a large venue, book caterers, or find a DJ. You won’t need decorations or a big cake. There presumably won’t be any bridesmaids/groomsmen, so procuring suits and gowns won’t be necessary, either.

Another perk of virtual weddings is not having to worry about the logistics of getting a large number of people in the same place at the same time. They can attend from literally anywhere with an internet connection. Even if you have family outside of the U.S., they can still be part of the celebration without the hassle of international travel.

It’s SO much cheaper

According to Reuters, couples in New York spend an average of $65,824 on wedding-related expenses. If you’d rather spend that money on something else, you’ll love the affordability of a virtual wedding ceremony. It can be as cheap as you want it to be.

Physical weddings, on the other hand, tend to balloon out of control. Even if you want a small guest list, maybe your mother-in-law-to-be has other plans. If she insists on inviting all of her extended family, you could end up footing the bill for a larger gathering than you wanted.

You can avoid a lot of drama

Image of a couple eating dessert together. NYC 10003

No matter how accommodating you try to be, you’ll inevitably have drama if you go the route of an in-person wedding. Sarah—who you haven’t talked to since high school—will be pissed you didn’t invite her. Anti-masker Uncle Joe will get into an argument with immunocompromised Jill. Second-cousin thrice-removed Pam will get drunk and refuse to leave the dance floor even though the musicians have long since packed up.

None of this is an issue with a virtual wedding. Everybody is welcome to live stream your wedding, but nobody has to interact with anyone else. Instead of dealing with your various relatives’ complete inability to contain their shit for a single day, you and your partner can focus on each other.

Cons of Virtual Marriage in NYC

You’ll still need an in-person minister for a legally binding virtual wedding

Virtual marriage is legal in New York in the sense that you can live stream your ceremony from anywhere within the state. But maybe you’re wondering whether you can get legally married online in New York even if your minister is in another location, joining your ceremony virtually.

Unfortunately, that’s not currently possible. In New York, an ordained minister must be physically present to marry you legally. Previously, during the height of the pandemic, it was legal to use a virtual officiant due to Gov. Cuomo’s emergency order. As of this writing, that order is no longer in effect.

You have two options if you want to have a virtual wedding to celebrate your legal joining. You can hire a minister to physically be with you during the live stream or take care of the legal stuff some other time. Nothing is stopping you from making it official down at the courthouse and broadcasting an online ceremony afterward. Just know that some people might view it as less “legitimate.” You might have to endure people’s comments about your “fake” virtual wedding.

You might miss the traditional elements

Will you regret it later if you never walk down the aisle, toss a bouquet, or have a father-daughter dance to commemorate your marriage? It is possible to preserve some traditions with a virtual wedding, such as donning traditional attire and cutting a cake, but it might ultimately feel anticlimactic. Afterward, you might feel deflated—like nothing actually changed.

You might also receive pushback from family on your decision to marry virtually. Mom might be sad that she can’t help with planning (since there’s nothing much to plan). Or dad might be disappointed that he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle.

If you do get pushback, there may be small compromises you could make that could get naysayers on board. For example, you might invite mom to help you pick out your clothes, or you could include a few words in your ceremony acknowledging dad’s support. Even so, you may need to set some boundaries. After all, you’re a grown adult, and your marriage is ultimately about you and your partner—no one else.

There may be technical difficulties

What if your web conferencing software can only fit eight people on your screen, forcing you to choose whose smiling faces you will see? What if someone’s electricity or internet goes out just as you say “I do”? What if Grandpa Don doesn’t know how to open a web browser, let alone join a video conference?

If you decide on a virtual wedding, we recommend carefully considering which technology you’ll use and testing it thoroughly beforehand. It might also be good to record the ceremony so people who miss it can watch it afterward.

You might regret not postponing it, instead

Have you always dreamed of a big wedding with all the frills and pizazz? Maybe you’re only considering virtual marriage because of an ill family member or COVID concerns. You’re asking yourself: “Should I postpone my wedding, or just do it virtually?”

You certainly wouldn’t be the only one forced to consider virtual marriage during coronavirus. If you’re impatient to tie the knot, it’s worth asking yourself why. You may have practical reasons, such as needing to get on a partner’s insurance plan or being ready to start a family. Or maybe you’re just eager to make it official with someone you’re madly in love with.

If you would prefer an in-person wedding, you should carefully weigh the pros and cons of getting married online versus postponing. If you want a physical wedding, but that’s just not possible at the moment, keep this in mind: Even if you decide to marry virtually now, you can set the expectation that you’ll still have a big celebration later (maybe on your anniversary?).

Still not sure if virtual marriage is right for you?

Our couples therapists can support you and your partner as you explore your options. We can also help you cope with the inevitable anxiety and drama of planning a wedding. Take the first step by joining us for a free consult. Our therapists can answer any questions you may have about our online therapy service, available to couples in New York City and throughout the state.