This blog post—the second in a two-part series—provides boundary examples and explains how to set personal boundaries. For an introduction to boundary-setting, read Part 1: Is Setting Boundaries Selfish? Or Is It Healthy?

Have you noticed a troubling lack of boundaries in relationships in your life? You may be wondering how to set personal boundaries in a romantic relationship, with family, or at work. Regardless of your situation, boundary setting generally involves four key steps:

Step 1: Explore your values, needs, and preferences

Image of a person with their fingers on their face, in deep thought. NYC 10003

This step is essential for anyone who is not accustomed to making decisions or communicating their feelings. During childhood, maybe your parents made all of your choices for you. You might also have received the message, either directly or indirectly, that it is better to be agreeable than to express your needs. As a result, you may be in the habit of deferring to other people when decisions need to be made. If this sounds like you, you may be ignoring or burying your true feelings so deeply that you’ve nearly lost touch with them.

You can reconnect with this part of yourself by paying attention to your reactions to everyday situations. Get curious about how you react to certain people and circumstances. Some things you won’t have a preference on, one way or another. Other times, you will realize that you prefer something a certain way. The important thing is to learn to distinguish instances where you genuinely have no opinion vs. just being agreeable out of habit. There’s nothing wrong with being accommodating sometimes—but other people should accommodate you sometimes, too.

Tip: Everybody is different, so don’t let anyone tell you what your needs and preferences should be. It doesn’t matter if your boundary is bigger than theirs. For example, just because your colleague can work 90 hours a week doesn’t mean you should be able to, too.

Step 2: Practice boundary setting and asserting yourself in small ways

Many people are so worried about making the wrong decisions that they avoid even the most inconsequential ones. Should you and your partner walk to dinner or take a cab? Would you rather have fluorescent lights installed in your office or LEDs? Should you accept your mom’s suggestion to meet for lunch on Wednesday, or would another day work better for you?

Whether you’re learning how to set boundaries in relationships, at work, or with family, low-stakes situations like these are the perfect opportunity to express yourself. As long as you’re polite, it’s unlikely you’ll create any major conflict by simply voicing an opinion. With each small victory, you’ll feel more empowered. Eventually, you’ll be confident enough to start expressing yourself in the areas of your life that truly matter.

Step 3. Set more significant boundaries

group of people sitting at a table and socializing. NYC 10003

What problems are coming up for you again and again? In what areas are you feeling overwhelmed, burned out, dissatisfied, or resentful? Feelings like these may be clues that you need to build a stronger boundary in a particular area.

For example, maybe your spouse has been inviting friends over on weeknights, affecting your sleep. If so, the first thing you should do is ask yourself whether there’s anything you can do to take ownership of the problem. Perhaps you need to set a boundary for yourself to go to bed despite the temptation of hanging out with friends.

On the other hand, maybe you live in a studio apartment, and getting a full night’s sleep just isn’t possible when friends stay over too late. If so, you can practice boundary setting with your partner by calmly explaining what you need and why: “I love having our friends over, but when they stay too late, I don’t get enough sleep. To make sure I’m rested for work, I need everyone to leave by 8 p.m. on work nights.” If your partner refuses to enforce this, you may need to enforce it yourself by telling your guests what time they’ll need to leave.

Here’s another boundary example: your best friend wants to take you on a trip to Cancun, but you’re not comfortable traveling out of the country during a pandemic. Here’s one way you could set a boundary about this without creating unnecessary drama or conflict: “I love the idea of a warm-weather getaway, but I’d rather stay closer to home. I know you picked Cancun because you love the beach. . . do you think it would be fun to visit California or Hawaii instead? What other locations might work for you?”

Tip: Recognize that your needs and preferences are no more or less valid than anyone else’s. Keeping this in mind will help you become a better listener so that you can find common ground. Assuming that the person you’re talking to will welcome your perspective (even if they actually won’t) will also soften the tone of the conversation.

Step 4. Fine-tune your boundaries over time

Image shows a person with their hands in an “x” to symbolize saying no and setting boundaries. NYC 10003

When your boundaries are crossed, trial and error will teach you which ones are truly worth fighting for. Initially, when you discover how valuable and empowering boundaries can be, you might set up many new boundaries all at once. If you become inflexible or insensitive to other people’s needs, you might inadvertently damage valuable relationships by setting too strong a boundary.

For example, suppose you’re on a special diet, and you tell your friends that you will only go out to lunch with them if they agree to go to your favorite salad bar every time. Frustrated by your inflexibility, your friends might invite you out less often. In such a circumstance, you might realize that their companionship is more important than maintaining your diet 100% of the time.

On the other hand, you might discover that a particular boundary is too weak. As relationship therapists, we have seen many examples of this. For instance, imagine that one of your parents has been calling you at work every day to chit-chat. You have already explained to them several times why this is unacceptable, but that hasn’t changed their behavior. One way to strengthen this boundary would be to stop answering the phone or block your parent’s number during business hours.

As this boundary-setting example illustrates, you might need to limit your contact with certain people if they don’t respect boundaries that are important to you. If you’ve determined that a boundary is essential to you, and someone in your life continues to step all over it, is that person really good for you? Why are they even in your life to begin with?