Breaking Free: How Couples Therapy Can Help You Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Relationships are complex, and even the healthiest ones can fall into unhealthy patterns over time. If you and your partner find yourselves having the same arguments over and over, or if conflicts seem to escalate without resolution, you may be feeling the need to break free from these cycles.
Michelle Comery, our licensed couples therapist here at The Keely Group, sees this dynamic frequently in her practice. She explains that couples therapy can be a powerful way to change unhealthy patterns, offering both partners the opportunity to reframe how they relate to one another and find new ways to meet emotional needs.
Creating a Safe, Neutral Space in Couples Therapy
Michelle believes that the power of couples therapy begins with the neutral, safe space it provides. Many couples are used to having heated discussions at home or in other environments that may feel emotionally charged. In therapy, being in the same room as your partner with a neutral third party allows the nervous system to begin retraining itself.
“Instead of automatically reacting with ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ when conflict arises,” Michelle explains, “therapy helps slow the process down.” Couples start to break out of their usual reactive patterns, whether it's shutting down or lashing out, and begin learning to approach conflict with more openness and understanding.
The Root of Conflict: Unmet Needs
Michelle frequently explains to her clients that many conflicts stem from unmet emotional needs. When couples argue, it’s rarely just about the topic at hand. “At the core, both partners are trying to protect themselves from the pain of feeling rejected or as though their needs aren’t being met,” she says.
Take, for example, a couple where one partner works long hours and the other feels neglected. The partner who feels neglected might criticize, asking, “Why do you care more about work than me?” On the surface, this looks like a simple complaint. But Michelle points out that what’s really being expressed is a need for attention and emotional connection. Meanwhile, the partner who is criticized may withdraw, feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to meet these demands while managing their own stress. This push-pull dynamic is common in relationships, and over time, it can become a toxic loop.
Breaking the Cycle: Naming the Patterns
In couples therapy, Michelle helps couples name these patterns, often referred to as the “pursuer/withdrawer” dynamic. The pursuer, seeking connection, pushes for more conversation and emotional closeness, while the withdrawer retreats to avoid confrontation. Michelle emphasizes that neither role is inherently wrong—it’s just the way some couples manage conflict. But without awareness, this cycle can escalate, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and unseen.
Michelle’s job is to help couples slow down these interactions. “When you can recognize the emotional undercurrents driving your actions—whether it’s fear, stress, or the need for validation—you can begin to reframe how you respond to each other,” she explains. By encouraging partners to speak openly about their vulnerabilities, she helps them start building empathy for one another, allowing for deeper emotional connections to form.
Reframing Criticism and Withdrawal
One of Michelle’s main strategies is to help couples reframe criticism and withdrawal into more productive expressions of need. For instance, if one partner feels neglected and begins criticizing their partner’s work schedule, Michelle helps them uncover what’s really behind that criticism. "The fear might be, ‘Do you care about me?’ or ‘Will I always feel alone in this relationship?’" she explains. By getting to the root of these emotions, Michelle encourages the couple to express their needs directly, rather than through criticism or defensiveness.
Similarly, when the withdrawing partner begins to shut down, it’s usually out of a desire to avoid conflict or because they feel overwhelmed. “Understanding this dynamic helps both partners see that it’s not about rejecting each other,” Michelle says. “It’s about protecting themselves from the pain of the situation.” Once this is recognized, couples can begin rewriting the cycle and finding healthier ways to engage.
Exploring Common Unhealthy Patterns
Michelle sees common patterns play out in her sessions, whether it’s disagreements over household chores, work-life balance, or emotional intimacy. For example, when one partner takes on most of the housework and feels unappreciated, they might interpret their partner’s lack of contribution as a sign they’re not valued. Meanwhile, the other partner may become defensive, feeling that their efforts elsewhere are being overlooked.
“In these moments,” Michelle explains, “it’s often not just about the dishes or laundry—it’s about feeling seen, appreciated, and understood.” Therapy offers the space to untangle these deeper emotional needs, and by doing so, helps couples to meet each other with greater empathy and validation.
Finding New Ways to Connect
Once Michelle helps couples identify their patterns and understand the emotions behind them, she works with them to brainstorm new ways to connect. Since both partners are often motivated to rebuild closeness, they explore actions that might satisfy each other’s emotional needs in healthier, more constructive ways. “It’s about learning new steps in the dance,” she says, “so that couples can respond to each other’s vulnerabilities instead of reacting with defensiveness.”
Breaking Free from the Cycle
Michelle knows that breaking unhealthy patterns isn’t easy, but she believes that with the right tools and support, couples can shift the way they relate to one another. Couples therapy in NYC shines a light on the underlying dynamics that keep partners stuck in negative cycles, allowing them to break free and build a stronger, more empathetic relationship.
By focusing on what each person truly needs and learning to express those needs openly, couples can transform their relationship, moving from frustration and disconnect to understanding and connection.
Break Free From Unhealthy Relationship Patterns With The Help of Couples Therapy in NYC
Are you and your partner ready to break free from unhealthy relationship patterns and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection? Our couples therapy in NYC offers tools to improve communication, deepen understanding, and create lasting change. Take the first step toward a healthier relationship and see what's possible for both of you. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Read through our FAQ page to answer any lingering questions you may have about therapy.
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Additional Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in NYC
In addition to helping you and your partner break unhealthy relationship patterns with Couples Therapy in NYC, The Keely Group provides a range of online services tailored to meet the needs of busy professionals. We recognize that you may encounter various challenges in your daily life that can impact you and your relationships, which is why we offer online therapy services to assist you in managing these issues. Our main goal is to help you simplify your life, which is why we offer a variety of services, including: