What is Healthy Conflict in a Relationship? Techniques for Turning Arguments into Conversations
Michelle Comery, LCSW, has worked with many couples struggling to break the cycle of arguments and miscommunication. As a couples therapist at the Keely Group, she believes that the key to healthy conflict resolution lies in reframing arguments into productive conversations. But what makes a conversation different from an argument? Michelle explains that while arguments are often driven by emotion and power struggles, productive conversations in couples therapy in NYC focus on understanding unmet needs, shifting the dynamic from blame to collaboration.
From Arguments to Conversations: A Key Shift
According to Michelle, when couples argue, the goal often shifts from resolution to winning. “People tend to get caught up in a battle for control,” she explains. “There’s so much emotion involved that both partners end up feeling unheard, which only escalates the conflict.” In these moments, Michelle often hears couples using absolutes like “You always do this” or “You never listen,” which can fuel frustration and create more distance.
However, in a productive conversation, Michelle helps couples reframe their communication. “Instead of taking sides, the conversation becomes about how we’re going to work through the issue together,” she says. Rather than focusing on the blame, couples are encouraged to talk about their unmet needs and what’s really driving the conflict. This shift, Michelle notes, is a vital step in turning arguments into opportunities for deeper connection.
Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability
One of the essential roles of a couples therapist, Michelle explains, is to provide a neutral space where both partners feel safe to express their feelings without fear of judgment. “Couples therapy creates that safety,” she says, “and it’s often in this space that vulnerability can begin to surface.”
Moving from an argument to a conversation isn’t always immediate. Michelle often starts with helping couples break down a recent conflict. “In the beginning, couples need space to vent their frustrations,” she notes. “I focus on validation—allowing them to feel heard first before moving into deeper work.”
Identifying Patterns and Triggers
Early in therapy, Michelle works with couples to identify the patterns and triggers that contribute to their conflicts. What often sparks their arguments? Are there recurring themes that cause tension? This process also involves exploring individual histories. “A person’s attachment style plays a significant role in how they respond to conflict,” Michelle explains. “Understanding this history helps us connect the dots between past experiences and current relationship dynamics.”
Michelle helps couples recognize how their attachment styles—whether anxious, avoidant, or secure—shape their reactions. For example, an anxious partner may feel desperate for reassurance, while an avoidant partner might withdraw, fearing the intensity of the conflict. “Once we understand these patterns,” Michelle says, “it becomes easier to break them down and move toward productive conversations.”
Turning Insight into Action
The next step in therapy is turning insight into action. Michelle emphasizes that awareness alone isn’t enough to resolve conflicts, but it makes it easier for couples to respond more intentionally when arguments arise. “The goal is to step back, identify what’s really going on, and slow things down,” she says. This slowing down process helps couples move from reactivity to understanding, addressing the underlying issues rather than just reacting to the surface-level problem.
Michelle explains that couples therapy isn’t about preventing arguments altogether, but about learning how to navigate conflicts in a healthier way. “It’s normal for couples to fight,” she says. “What’s important is how you address the root causes of the conflict and how quickly you can reconnect afterward.”
How do I Know That Couples Therapy Is Working?
Michelle points out that a good indicator of progress in couples therapy is when couples can communicate without triangulating the therapist. “When couples can talk to each other directly without needing me to meditate, that’s a sign they’ve internalized the work,” she says. “It doesn’t mean they fight less, but it does mean they handle conflicts in a way that fosters connection rather than driving them apart.”
Reconnecting After Conflict
Ultimately, Michelle’s goal is to help couples learn how to reconnect after conflict. “Conflict is inevitable, but the way couples repair and reconnect is crucial,” she explains. Therapy equips couples with tools to repair their relationship quickly after disagreements, turning conflict into a pathway for growth rather than distance.
For Michelle, reframing conflict is about helping couples transform their arguments into conversations that foster understanding and empathy. “It’s not about avoiding conflict,” she says, “but learning how to work through it together, addressing the real issues and strengthening the relationship in the process.”
Strengthen Your Relationship With Couples Therapy in NYC
If you're ready to turn heated arguments into meaningful conversations, couples therapy in NYC can help you build healthier communication patterns. Together at The Keely Group, we can explore your challenges and strengthen your connection, fostering a deeper understanding of each other. Begin creating lasting, positive change in your relationship by following these three simple steps:
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Other Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in NYC
In addition to helping you and your partner work on healthy conflict with Couples Therapy in NYC, The Keely Group provides a range of online services tailored to meet the needs of busy professionals. We recognize that you may encounter various challenges in your daily life that can impact you and your relationships, which is why we offer online therapy services to assist you in managing these issues. Our main goal is to help you simplify your life, which is why we offer a variety of services, including: