A couple looks at each other lovingly while touching each other's faces as they lay in bed together. Text laid over the image says "Clear Indications of Secure Attachment"

Ever wonder why certain people have different approaches to relationships? Or why some people seem to face the same problems over and over again, no matter who they’re dating?

It’s probably because of their attachment style.

What is an Attachment Style?

We learn our attachment styles from our parents as children. But as we get older, we usually continue to exhibit these attachment styles unless we make a serious effort to change.

Experiencing childhood trauma or coming home to a stressful environment, for example, can result in avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized attachment styles. That said, even those with seemingly idyllic families might have developed relational dynamics that trend toward avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized. You can read more about these types of attachments in my earlier blog posts.

Secure Attachment

On the other hand, people who experienced a sense of stability at home and enjoyed loving relationships with their parents are generally more likely to exemplify the secure attachment style. But those with less stable childhoods may also have learned to develop secure attachments through their own deeply introspective work. The point is, you need to spend the time to learn who you’re dealing with, rather than just assuming someone isn’t capable of secure attachment based on your interpretation of their history. And, you need to learn about yourself and your attachment style in order to be a better partner. You can learn about your attachment style in relationship counseling for singles.

How Can You Tell if Your Partner has a Secure Attachment Style?

They’re Not Jealous

Someone with a secure attachment style rarely feels jealous of their partner. Going out with friends, taking a solo trip, or even receiving the occasional friendly text from an ex is typically a non-issue if you’re dating someone who is securely attached.

As long as there are no signs that their partner has been less than loyal, a securely attached person is not the type to question their whereabouts or go through their phone. This does not mean they are apathetic, however.

A small seedling grows out of the base of a tree trunk

They’re Comfortable Opening Up

A person who learned a secure attachment style growing up was probably encouraged to voice their needs rather than suppress them.

If your partner has a secure attachment style, they will likely have no problem telling you what’s going on in their life. And they will also let you know when they need your support.

They Keep Heated Discussions Civil

Yes, every couple will occasionally argue. But when you’re dating someone with a secure attachment style, even a disagreement can remain civil.

They won’t be tempted to raise their voice at you. Their goal is being understood, understanding you, and making things right between you rather than ultimately proving that they are right and you are wrong. It’s much easier for both of you to express yourselves and feel safe in doing so.

They’re Empathetic

If you tell your securely attached partner that you’re going through a rough time, they will be there for you.

They know how to give you extra support or are willing to ask how they can provide support while still attending to their own needs. And they won’t make you feel like you’re dramatic or clingy. Instead, they’ll display empathy and compassion.

They Know How to Compromise

“Compromise” isn’t a scary word for someone with a secure attachment style. They have no problem taking a step back and considering how the two of you can find a middle ground.

There’s an understanding that compromise doesn’t mean no one gets what they want. Instead, it’s about finding a way for both of you to accommodate each other and be satisfied with the result.

Locks dangle from a row of metal on a bridge above a lake with homes and trees seen on the shore in the distance

They Prefer Real Commitment

This doesn’t necessarily mean that someone with a secure attachment style will rush to get into a committed relationship. But they’re less likely to put up with a “will they, won’t they” situation for months on end.

In fact, they would rather have an honest conversation about where you stand with one another and perhaps even decide on a label for clarity’s sake.

They Set and Respect Boundaries

For someone with a secure attachment style, setting boundaries is just a normal part of life. Their parents probably emphasized the importance of this at home.

Thus, they won’t hesitate to speak up when they need space or tell you if something is bothering them. And in return, they’ll understand that when you state your own boundaries, it’s their job to step back, not push your buttons.

Relationship Counseling for Singles in New York City

The Keely Group therapists understand the importance of understanding oneself before getting into a serious relationship. When you enter a partnership with another person, you are tasked with learning about and understanding them deeply. It can be tough to do this when you may not have a full understanding of why you operate the way you do, first. The Keely Group offers relationship counseling for singles in New York City to help you explore yourself and your desires for your future relationships. If you’re interested in starting relationship counseling in New York City using online therapy, follow the steps below.

Contact The Keely Group via our contact form.
Speak with one of our therapists during a free 20-minute consultation call.
Learn about your attachment style and how it will impact your future relationships.

Other Services at The Keely Group

The experienced therapists at our New York City-based practice offer a variety of online mental health services to help you meet your personal and professional goals. For personal life, we provide fertility counseling and family planning and counseling for parents. Additionally, we offer professional support including executive coaching and anxiety treatment and stress management. Whatever goals you’re working toward, our therapists are ready to help you reach your fullest potential. Best of all, our clinicians meet with you virtually using online therapy in New York so you can easily fit your personal growth and mental health self care into your busy schedule!