Attachment styles are a hot topic and for good reason. A person’s attachment style—developed in childhood—can affect everything from how they communicate to what qualities they look for in a partner. Insecure attachment styles are also a common source of relationship conflict, especially when one or both partners aren’t aware of their unique styles.

What is secure attachment?

As I explain in another blog post, secure attachment is the healthiest and most balanced of the four attachment types. Here are some common signs of secure attachment in adults:

You are comfortable relying on others without being overly dependent.
You prefer to be in a relationship, but you still feel like a complete person when you’re alone.
Rejection and loneliness hurt, but you aren’t obsessed with whether or not others accept you.
You’re aware of your shortcomings, but you know your worth and have healthy boundaries.

If your relationships tend to be one-sided, chaotic, or unsatisfying, you may wonder whether an insecure attachment style is to blame. Additionally, you may suspect that your partner’s attachment style conflicts with your own. For example, you may crave frequent reassurance (as seen in the anxious attachment style) while your partner may be turned off by behaviors they view as “too needy” (as seen in the avoidant attachment style).

Five common myths about secure attachment in adults

While searching online for articles about healthy attachment in relationships, you’ve probably found some useful info. If you’re like many people, though, you may also have picked up some bad information or jumped to some false conclusions. Here are five myths about secure attachment that we often see:

1. Secure attachment is the norm.

Some psychologists theorize that secure attachment is the most common style, but there is very little evidence to support this claim. In our experience, fully secure attachment in adults is rare.

Unless you were flawlessly attuned to through every single moment of every stage of your childhood, you probably have some level of insecurity around relationships. If you recognize yourself in one of the insecure attachment styles, even just some of the time, you’re certainly not alone.

2. Secure attachment can only be achieved through a perfect childhood.

Couple sitting in a window at coffee shop | NYC 10003

It’s likely that your childhood strongly influenced your current attachment style, but it may have changed since you were young—for better or for worse—as a result of your adult relationships. It is also possible to move toward a more secure attachment style with conscious effort. By learning more about yourself and experimenting with new ways of relating to others, your attachment style can gradually become more and more secure.

3. You can’t have a satisfying relationship without 100% secure attachment.

It’s true that secure attachment is something to strive for since securely attached partners typically enjoy more satisfying relationships with less conflict. That said, we think it’s misleading to suggest that you and your partner must completely change your attachment styles to be happy together. Simply becoming more aware of your own attachment style and shifting it just a little will likely be enough to significantly improve your relationship.

4. Insecure attachment is a character flaw.

Insecure attachment styles arise as coping mechanisms for problematic relationships. If your current approach to relationships reveals some insecurities, it says a lot more about the messages you internalized than it does about you as a person. If you realize at some point that you have an insecure attachment style, it doesn’t mean that you’re broken or flawed or a bad person. In fact, we admire anyone who has the courage and self-awareness to get curious about their attachment style.

5. Secure attachment guarantees a successful relationship.

Despite what you see on your Instagram feed, no relationship is perfect. Every partnership has conflict, and individuals with secure attachment occasionally feel anxious, avoidant, and fearful about their relationships. Even when a person’s attachment style is mostly secure, some situations can still make them wonder about a partner’s commitment or cause them to crave space. If two people aren’t a good fit for each other in the first place, secure attachment can’t save the relationship.

Attachment work can be uncomfortable at times, but most of our patients ultimately find it to be empowering and liberating. If you’re ready to find out what is holding you back from a more secure attachment style, we can support you and offer guidance. Our relationship therapists have been helping singles in NYC find love and create more fulfilling partnerships for more than ten years. Learn more about our online relationship counseling service or schedule a free 20-minute consultation call.