Why Do I Date Down? (Why Do I Feel I am Not Worthy of a Good Relationship?)
You know if you were to look at your life on paper, it looks like you have it all together. You’ve got your career and education sorted out, have a great circle of friends and family who care about you, and you lead a pretty healthy lifestyle. So, what’s up with your love life? Why does it seem the only person who is good enough for you is someone you have to settle for?
It's understandable to make compromises when it comes to relationships, but when you start to make them solely to create a sense of security in you’re relationship, that’s a red flag. You may feel like you need to “date down” in order to ensure the relationship is safe and secure. Unfortunately, relationships like this are often detrimental to your own self-worth.
What are Some Reasons I Date Down?
There are a few reasons why you may feel the need to “date down” in order to find security and worthiness. These reasons can come from insecurities to past experiences, and can even be based on fear. Each person's reason is unique, but here are some of the most common:
Fear of Rejection
You may be dating down because you fear that if you dated someone worthy of you, someone at your same level of success, or who is doing something better than you, they might eventually leave you because they can find someone who is better. Whereas if you are the one dating down, you have the upper hand and the power in the relationship.
You are the more stable and secure one- this can be financially, emotionally, socially/personally, and even physically to an extent. So, compared to your partner, you are less likely to be rejected. It gives you a sense of security along with control in the dynamics of the relationship.
Savior Complex
Another reason you may be dating down is that it facilitates a kind of codependency in your relationship. It creates a sense of security by making you feel as if your partner depends on you in some way. This can be financial, emotional, or even physical. You’re the one who will be taking care of them and being their protector, which not only gives you a sense of security but makes you feel like the "fixer" of their problems. It makes you feel like their "savior" in the relationship.
This Kind of Relationship is Not Sustainable
However, while this may feel safe in the short term, it's important to understand that this kind of relationship isn't sustainable. It may start off, to you, as a secure relationship but it can easily turn into an unhealthy cycle of codependency. One where you are sacrificing your own mental health and self-worth to try to boost theirs.
Insecurities
Perhaps, you're dating down because you have insecurities that you haven't worked out yet in a relationship. You are trying to correct that insecurity by partnering with someone who isn't going to challenge those insecurities or won't make them appear in any way. This can create a sense of comfort and security in your relationship.
However, this is as long as you are not being confronted about the things that you are insecure about. If your partner was to push you to discuss and grow your insecurities, it may cause an uncomfortable shift in the dynamics of the relationship. This could lead to a breakdown and the potential loss of security.
Why Do I Not Feel Worthy of a Good Relationship?
Each person will have a different reason for why they do not feel worthy of a good relationship. This can be due to traits like your financial status, social status, physical appearance, or past dating experiences like infidelity or abandonment. For example, perhaps you have had a relationship that went badly before. Maybe you experienced infidelity in that relationship which makes you feel fearful and insecure that this could happen again.
Or, maybe you have experienced or felt abandoned by a parent or formative caregiver during your childhood. So, this fear from that period in time translates to fear of abandonment in a romantic relationship. This is one way our attachment styles and early caregiver relationships can manifest in our present life.
What Can I Do for Myself?
First and foremost, seeking the support of a therapist at The Keely Group can help you to begin to heal and correct some of the negative thoughts, perceptions, and communication patterns you may have. Therapy also allows you to explore your insecurities and self-esteem so that you can help yourself understand why you may be feeling unworthy or feeling like you need to date down. This can also help you to understand why you have the need to create another way of feeling secure in a relationship outside of developing trust and communication with your partner.
Therapy Can Help You Understand Your Relationship Patterns
Being in therapy can help you figure out why you default to dating down and why you may not be able to develop trust and communication well or why you're avoiding it. Developing trust, understanding, and communication in a relationship is not easy and doesn't always come naturally. Especially when we aren't taught this or may not have had these examples in our lives to learn from.
Do You Have Any Tips for Moving Forward?
Yes! Taking the time to better understand yourself can be a great source of knowledge and understanding for why you may be feeling a certain way or making certain decisions in your dating life. So these tips can help you reframe your thinking:
Find the Right Therapist Match
Finding the right therapist for you can help you to explore where this dating pattern came from. It can help you to find the root of this pattern and begin to heal it. This way it's not a band-aid on a recurring wound. Your therapist will help you to understand the power of your emotions and how to channel them into positive dating experiences.
Identify Your Relationship Non-Negotiables
Taking the time to make a list of your relationship non-negotiable can help you from dating down as you will have a clear understanding of what you want and need in a partner. This clarity can help make sure that you are not settling for comfort or security at the expense of your actual needs. You are able to find a partner that is on your level or above that can make you feel and be secure.
Give Yourself Grace and Compassion
Dating and romantic relationships are not easy and that's why it takes compassion. Give yourself some grace and compassion when you make mistakes or feel down. Doing the work to get to know yourself better and understand your dating patterns must be met with some empathy and understanding. You're doing the work to discover the root of your interpersonal issues and if they are met with the same judgment and criticism you felt before, it can make the healing process more difficult. Meet them with compassion and grace.
You Are Worthy of a Good Relationship
Remember that you are worthy of a good relationship and when given the proper tools, you can make a positive shift in your life. Dating down does not have to be the answer. You are strong and capable of healing the root of this pattern. You do not need to find comfort and security at the expense of your needs. You are worth it.
Want to Learn More About Dating Down in New York City?
Your love life, even on paper, is not reflective of your worth. You deserve someone on your level who can return your love and meet your needs. At The Keely Group, our skilled team of therapists works with high-achieving professionals who want to find a partner that is not a "downgrade" from their past relationships. We will work with you to find the root of this dating pattern and help you to break it so that you can find a partner who is able to meet your needs. If you are ready to invest in yourself, follow the steps below to get started!
Read through our FAQ page to answer any lingering questions you may have.
Fill out our convenient online contact form to get in touch with our team.
Begin dating with more confidence and understanding!
Other Online Mental Health Services Offered at The Keely Group in New York City.
In addition to Online Therapy for Dating, The Keely Group offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. We understand that you may face other challenges throughout your daily life that can affect relationships and dating, so we offer online therapy services to help you cope with these issues. Our ultimate goal is to help you streamline your life and that's why we offer an array of services such as: